The Twenty-Three Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (144)
Posted by Bob Ellis
on December 20, 2014
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Eight children were killed by a troubled woman in Cairns. This
equalled in number the abortions procured by despairing women on
Christmas Island after Morrison threatened their unborn with life
imprisonment on Nauru. Morrison now threatened other unborn with
equivalent punishment for the crime, he said, ‘of being born in 2015 and
not, as I will tolerate, 2014. My patience is not limitless.’
No interviews with the surviving Lindt hostages were allowed, or
attempted. It was known that some of them would upbraid Abbott for
failing to save, when he might have, five of their lives, at no risk to
his own. Baird professed feelings of ‘guilt’ because the monster had got
out on bail.
It was known, but not admitted, who killed Katrina Dawson, and why
nine minutes passed between the first discharge of the monster’s weapon,
and the second. It was not known why it took fifty or sixty rounds to
kill him, and who else they wounded also. It was not known why nearby
siege-trained army sharpshooters were not invited in, nor why no sniper
shot the monster in the nine minutes after the first discharge of his
weapon, or the fifteen hours before that.
$inodino$ walked the plank, and spoke of the ‘freedom of speech’ his
demotion to the back bench now afforded him. Many New South Wales
Liberals quaked at this, fearing he might elaborate on his connection
with Obeid, and the ten million he did not get for not, successfully,
bribing O’Farrell (if that was the case) into giving a five hundred
million dollar contract to his sewage-moving company.
Gillard asked those who had called her a criminal to apologise to
her. Abetz would not; he maintained his amazing story that ‘certain
union-connected people’ who sought to overthrow the state could not be
named lest they kill him. He would not say what crimes those
‘union-connected people’ could be arrested for, or whether Victoria, a
Labor state, would soon begin to investigate, if ever, these ugly,
muscly, simian people. It seemed many millions had been wasted, and
more would be in the coming year, on what Sabra Lane called ‘a beat up’.
Gerard Henderson, a Liberal propagandist, called the addled Shi-ite
cleric a ‘Sunni terrorist’, cursed Waleed Ali, a Muslim, for
misreporting the Boston Marathon massacre, and blamed David Marr, among
other ‘leftists’, for encouraging Monis into ‘an act of unseemly
atrocity’. Gerard was amazed to find his payment by Murdoch was down to a
hundred dollars a week.
Murdoch came to town, and, in the manner of the movie ‘I Was Monty’s
Double’, thwarted pursuing papparazzi by speeding a withered lookalike
round Sydney in his limousine. His minions, cringeing, wondered if he
was about to sack everyone and throw his media behind Bill Shorten, the
‘coming man’ whose party, Labor, was now 1.5 million votes ahead of the
current crazed unravelling backs-to-the-wall regime and bid Tony Abbott a
lousy final Christmas in the Lodge. ‘The Lucky Country has run out of
luck,’ he is said to have said, ‘and the wackhead Tony Abbott is its
bumblefooted Grim Reaper.’ Or words to that effect.
Obama recognised Cuba, and Murdoch’s columnists said not a word about
it. It was noted that Fidel Castro had outlasted Eisenhower, Kennedy,
Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush 1, Clinton and Bush 2,
despite six hundred plots to assassinate him, five hundred by the CIA,
and thirty-three attempts, one with an exploding cigar, and was well
thought of throughout South America, Europe, the Middle East, China,
India, Russia and Africa, not least because of his doctors presently
containing ebola there, and a health care system Obama might now extend
to the USA. Shanahan, Pryce-Jones, Albrechtsen, Henderson, Hildebrand,
Van Onselen, Day and Devine made no mention of this enormous
world-altering event in their opinionated columns. Their menacing
Moloch, Murdoch, had not yet told them what to say.
John Hewson, a former Liberal voter, said Abbott might now abolish
the Education Ministry, and dropkick all schooling to the States, whose
money for schools and universities he had cut by thirty billion,
reneging thus on his commitment to Gonski, on which he had said that he
and Shorten were on a ‘unity ticket’. This would follow his abolition of
the Science Ministry, and his risible promise that ‘this will be a
government of no surprises’. It was feared he would leave Hockey and
Johnston where they were, and merely move Josh into $inodino$’s cavity,
and a woman into Josh’s. There was ‘no chance’, backroomers assured the
giobsmacked media, that $inodino$ would pay back the hundreds of
thousands he did not earn while serving, or rather not serving, as an
AWOL Assistant Treasurer. ‘Who do you think I am, Santa Claus?’ the
merry acquisitive Greek is said to have said.
Abbott risked helfire by permitting, heretically, a conscience votte
on euthanasia. ‘He will burn in hell,’ theologians said, ‘alongside Tory
Johnson, a homosexual.’
Julie Bishop assured the deaths of thousands of Third World women by
agreeing to Hockey’s crazy cuts to Foreign Aid. A billion continued to
be spent on looking in three oceans for purposeless bits of MH 370.
Jetstar’s computer broke down, stranding thousands of ropeable
Australians five days before Christmas. The responsible capitalist, Alan
Joyce, a Liberal voter, earned twenty-one thousand dollars in the hours
it took to sort it out. ‘It’s money Oi’ve orrned,’ he said. ‘Murry
Chrastmas. Re-joyce.’
And so it went.
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